A Comprehensive Analysis of the Enemy

(NOTE: The following video about this whole article can be found here:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7880449039153812110&q=nintendo)

Sometimes, men get together in the name of gaming and do great things. Some people make Gamespy. Some people make IGN. And a few guys who were suspiciously drunk at the time make Gametrash. But, sometimes something special comes out of the womb of the gaming industry, something that makes all of the other sites cringe in fear as we worry about our high positions. The little men take down the big conglomerates as a new group comes out to face G4 and grab them right by the balls- GameLife.

GameLife is basically the equivalent of what I spent my preteen years doing: Taking a video camera and recording absolute shit, dubbing over it, then making people watching the excruciating hours where I took Lego figures, put them in sand, and tried to make some sort of halfass re-creation of "Dune". In this vein, GameLife is

The first of (hopefully) many episodes of a gaming review show inspired by Judgment Day on G4TV[...] Games covered include classic NES games, Nintendo DS games, Wavebird wireless controller for the Nintendo Gamecube, and a GBA game[...] Thanks for watching!

Oh yes! Because Judgment Day and G4 are great role models for TV shows like Dr. Kevorkian is for a hospital. Judgment Day, while it redeems itself occasionally, really just basically has Tommy Tallarico sit on his ass and try to pretend like he hates all these games. This, my friends, is called TV Clash. I assure you, if Gametrash ever got a show, the reviewers would get wooden clubs and be able to beat the shit out of any person who said "I love the new Mario Party!" on TV. But nope, Tallarico is restricted to sitting there counting the days till his G4 contract runs out. Until then, the show continues to be the following:

Generic Host: What do you think of this game?
Tallarico: I give it a 0.
Generic Host: OH RISQUE! I like the game.
Tallarico: You're an idiot.
Audience: Ha ha! You're not agreeing with a given standard of a decent game! We are amused at the friendly yet sharp banter and the pretend playing that goes on in the background! This is truly a show worth my intellectual power!

((Note: I think G4 realized this, because there is no Judgment Day page on their website anymore. Hmm.))

But moving off my internal hate for Tallarico, who is everything I want to be, except Italian. GameLife is actually a video. Yep, it seems that someone's dad had a somewhat decent video camera and an extra tape, so the guys got together in someone's basement and decided to start recording themselves.

So, if you were going to make a decent show, what would you need? I mean, this is low budget, so these guys can't obviously drop a few hundred on makeup and clothing, but they would need at least the following, very easily attainable things:

- Decent clothing.
- A setup that had lighting.
- A tripod
- Preparations to record on screen material (Like actual game footage),
- TALENT

This show conspicuously lacks ALL OF THESE. Let me begin by showing you the first frame you ever see, which pretty much wraps up this whole thing:



HI! He exclaims, in some sort of nasal voice that somewhat disturbs my inner being. This is the first time I have seen a TV show that greeted me, and I think I want my virginity in that respect back. He proceeds to tell me that this is the show where I can get my daily dose of gaming goodness. A quick google search proves this is the only episode, so I guess not. But anyway, away from cruel ad hominem attacks and now to the base content: The reviews.



So, the first review seems to be Meteos. Little shitty DS speakers a blaring, he proceeds to hold the DS and talk about how great Meteos is. Such great lines are:

(While holding it 30 feet from the screen) "As you can see the graphics are very colorful"
"This is the menu screen with a lot of options."
"The sound is awesome. For a game like this."



And then he proceeds to look pleased with himself and attacks the lower DS screen with the stylus, seemingly win the game. He just hits it with the stylus, I shit you not, absolutely nothing else. I know Meteos is some great DS game, but damn.





The next embarrassing moment is the "Pocket Reviews" because apparently the DS is not a pocket system until they say so (Dammit). This time, it's Puyo Pop Fever, which makes it much more embarrassing, because he doesn't exactly look like the little Japanese girl that's the target of games like this. In fact, it's a face only Gabe Newell could relate to, and only because they both could devour Krispy Kremes like Hannibal devours you:



JABBA WOOKIE GET LUUUUKE SKYWAKKKAAA

Okay, I'm done.

But, because I'm a jackass and like taking things out of context, some more quotes:
"This game has a variety of game modes like...."(Stares at screen for a minute)"umm..."
"Let's see what the Single Player has in store!"(Hint: Loneliness)
"There's Regular Battle which is just Regular Battle..."
"If these aren't the most cheesy voice overs you've ever heard, I don't know what you've heard"

(Fade in)"Four on the top, four on the bottom, which is pretty insane" (I don't know, don't ask)

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