Comments on the Silent Hill Movie Trailer

Remembering my old Doom movie trailer parody and how it seemed to hit it off with the GT community, I've decided to poke around and find myself the very new, very cool trailer for Silent Hill: The Movie. Yep, for some reason, Konami licensed out their great series to some moviemakers, and now we will very soon have a movie. So, how does it look?


Like a stool softener commercial. The main character goes and talks in some sort of breathless voice about going somewhere in dreams. Of course, we all know this is bullshit, just like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Communism.


So it's finally established the scary world of Silent Hill is in.... West Virginia. Great. Not only is it in not even real big boy Virginia, but it seems to be in the middle of freaking nowhere. Note that there really is a Toluca Lake (http://www.tolucalakechamber.com/).


It starts off like any good horror movie should. A mom kissing on her kid, them driving in a van... what? This isn't a horror movie, this is a pussy movie. Next thing you know, there's gonna be a scene where she bitches about her husband and how she wants to lose weight. Then, Ray Romano will come in and crack some family joke and everyone in the theater will be laughing except for me when I demand a refund.



Some mysterious thing is walking across the street and her Soccer Mom Auto 4000(C) screetches on the highway and she slams face first into the steering wheel. Of course, one would expect the Soccer Mom Auto 4000(C) to deploy airbags or at least roll over, but let's remember this is not the real world, this is Silent Hill, where producers hire middle aged women to act scared.


Her kid mysteriously dissapears and she DIDN'T fly through the windshield as a result of your failure to give a 4' high kid a child safety seat? Wow, you're one lucky mother. You're also lucky some hobo named "Vincent" didn't come and rape you when you were unconcious. But then again, that would have been the most disgusting thing in a movie ever. I don't want to see her naked.


WARNING: In Silent Hill: The Movie, the directors discovered that you can forget about all senery or basically any backgrounds if you just pump in 30,000 tons of fog. Also note this is how Silent Hill 2 managed to not set the PS2's graphics core on fire.


"Gray snow"? Yes. The last time I saw this is when a friend of mine and I decided to go set half the woods on fire and the surrounding countryside was littered with what we deemed "Mulatto Snow". Well, that didn't happen, I have no friends, but that would be totally awesome.

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