Why the industry hates Uwe Boll

There's been a lot of heat recently about Uwe Boll's newest creation, BloodRayne. Nah, I'm kidding, it sucked balls. After all, about anyone with half a brain can see this description:

In eighteenth century Romania, Rayne, a dhampir (half-human, half-vampire), prone to fits of blind blood...

And know the whole movie is going to suck ass without even seeing it. The only people who like watching women dressed like vampires running around pretending to be so cool are goths and Roleplayers, both of which whom do not deserve this crap anyway.

Let's look at some other recent gaming movies, too! What about House of the Dead, which is about as close to Resident Evil, except not? That's gotta be a good movie!:

A group of teens arrive on an island for a rave--only to discover the island has been taken over by zombies. The group takes refuge in a house where they try to survive the night.

Oh wow, a rave, a group of teens, an island, a zombie, and a house? HOW UNPREDICTABLE! I bet there's some killing and some teenage chick with lacking breasts screams a lot. Oh yeah, and expect the only black guy in the whole thing to die, purely because he's black. Or wait, no, how about it where everyone dies BUT a minority who lives to tell the tale? Probably.

But let's give ourselves the benifit of the doubt and look at some more gaming movies that are GOING to come out. What about Postal? Because a game that uses Gary Coleman has to be good! Right?

Based on the video game of the same name, a postal service employee embarks on a kill-and-destroy mission.

And I want to see this movie...why? The Postal games sucked, why in the hell do I want to see a movie based on the games that sucked anyway? I mean, Bloodrayne was supposed to be a good game series, but jesus christ, they might as well make a Chaos Legion movie. Come on, I've gotta perk myself up. What about a Far Cry movie?

An adaptation of the first-person-shooter video game where Jack Carver, a retired Special Forces Officer who now is transport for hire...

NO NO NO. I thought we got rid of that shit in the 80s. The last thing I want to see more of is Rambo-esque movies where a stereotypically hardcore muscled guy uses one liners and shoots islanders full of holes.


So, why am I talking about this group of almost completely unrelated movies?

Because they're all going to be/have been made by Uwe Boll.



Uwe Boll is like the cancer of the movie industry. For some reason, the gaming industry freaking loves this man, and companies are throwing titles out at him like candy. Not only is he slated to work on the above movies, but he's also going to use his wonderful directing skills to do Hunter: The Reckoning, because apparently a shitty third person goth game needs a movie.

No, I'm kidding again, that's the worst idea I've ever heard of. Uwe Boll really broke into the game-movie industry with Alone in the Dark, which still remains to be one of the most ignored, and rightly so, movies for gaming ever. House of the Dead was gimmicky and stupid, and also somehow rocketed Boll into some sort of publicity. But the fun doesn't stop there.

Uwe Boll has a cult following for being a horrible movie maker, and rightly so. The man seems to continue to get rights to games and chances to make them, even though he's pretty low-brow so far as even funding goes. He has a tax shelter in Germany, and he was even quoted as saying:
"Maybe you know it but it's not so easy to finance movies in total. And the reason I am able to do these kind of movies is I have a tax shelter fund in Germany and if you invest in a movie in Germany you get basically fifty percent back from the Government."

So he's not even sure of his own movies. I don't know if that's supposed to be a good sign or what, but when my Producer/Director/Hired Dumbass runs around protecting his balls in some sort of wierd preperation, I know that's a bad sign.

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