Eragon

Hey kids, check this out. I'm going to write a book. And not any old book, I'm going to write one completely based off other works of literature, only barely attempting to mask my obvious theft of intellectual ideas. First, we'll start off with some Lord of the Rings- elves, orcs, that kind of thing. A fantasy world where everyone lives in woods and humans aren't special. Then, let's add some enemies- we'll make them like those orc things from The Lord of the Rings, except we'll call them something.. let's say ?Urgals?. Now, let's throw in some Star Wars- we'll make a story where a young teen has to become something special (like a Jedi, but let's call it Dragon Rider) and avenge someone's death (Why not an Uncle? Obi Wan was like an uncle to Luke Skywalker).

Does that sound familiar? It's already been done. It's the smash hit book Eragon. Proving to the world that a lazy writer with no talent can get everywhere by stealing ideas, Eragon is the newest fantasy book craze, following on the heels of real talent such as Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings. And you can already tell I hate it. I hate it with every fiber of my being. People like Christopher Paolini make all writers in the world look stupid, because it makes us all look like a bunch of unoriginal thieves. The sheer fact that his parents published Eragon is proof enough that the man has no place in literary society, but one touch of the book verifies that for all of us.

And, much like many bad writers and actors (See: the Wayans brothers), the man has finally gotten himself a movie and a video game to go along with it. Freaking wonderful. And, of course, it seems as if fate has cast this game into my lap, a kind of bombshell that I did not realize the ramifications of until now.

But today, I am going to be fair. You see, before I touched the game, I had not read the book Eragon itself, nor had I done any research. So, in the interest of fairness, I am going to review this game like I don't have any homicidal wishes for Christopher Paolini. I will try to review it like any other game, and desperately attempt to not mention that CHRISTOPHER PAOLINI IS A HORRIBLE WRITER WHO DESERVES NOTHING IN LIFE.

Eragon, the video game, is a muli-platform title designed by Amaze Entertainment in order to build up hype for the upcoming movie by the same name. Obviously, the game is based on the book Eragon by Christopher Paolini, a washed up writer who should be resoundingly ignored by literary society.

Eragon the game follows the path that many movie games take in that it tries to be as humanly simply as possible. Following the footsteps of hero Eragon, you must learn to become a Dragon Rider, master magic, and kill enemies- all in a non canonical series of battles in miscellaneous villages, towns, and areas of other interest. Dragon Riders, being protectors of peace, prosperity, and users of the Force to destroy Darth Vader. This force (or ?Magic? as the game so originally calls it) is used in four key ways- Magic Push (pushing things away), Magic Pull (pulling things towards you), Magic Shield (protecting yourself) and Magic Fire (a pyromaniac's dream). Instead of being used primarily on enemies, as many games do, this magic is context sensitive- and as you progress through the game, you learn more magic and skill.


But before I continue, let me explain the battle system. Amaze Entertainment is unfortunately not the first company to find out you can blatantly steal ideas from other companies games, but definitely a winner when it comes to the degree in which they stole. Case in point, the game Eragon is a cut and paste rendition of EA's The Lord of the Rings games, minus the role playing aspects. Yes, I said it- Eragon is an even lazier version of The Lord of the Rings games, and that's saying something.

What this equates to is button mashing. Eragon is tasked with the job of running through many stages and killing things, which means you mash on one of three buttons (Hit, hard hit, and block) while trying to not get killed. Enemies have specific ways to be killed (usually ?hitting them really hard? or ?hitting them a lot of times?), and are incredibly stupid fighters, so Eragon will have no trouble making his way through legions of baddies.


Where Eragon begins to fail (even more) is the quality of the game. Let me not mince words- Amaze Entertainment does not know how to make proper graphics, especially in cut scenes. Instead of trying to be realistic or using video shots from the upcoming movie, Eragon instead relies on tossed together cutscenes relying on ?stylistic? cheapness to get away with telling a story. For example, instead of showing real fire effects, the game instead segues into a quickly done ?paper? looking design, fire quickly drawn in a remarkable three frames per second. Instead of giving the in-game graphics a 360 degree view, the game instead relies on the infamous ?fixed camera? perspective, meaning that about 90% of the game is played where Eragon is either behind a rock, tree, or building- effectively hiding him from the player.

Long story short, this game is horrible. While I never had any kind of interest in the book, the sheer fact that this game blows (and trust me, I got a few fans of the book to play it for me to see if I was ?missing? something) is a good sign that this franchise is a little bit of a dud. The game in it's purest sense is Amaze Entertainment attempting to steal ideas from Electronic Arts, much like Christopher Paolini stole ideas from J.R.R. Tolkien. Nothing about this game is worth the purchase, not even as a $50 coaster. Let me make this blatantly clear: This is one of the few games that I sincerely hope sells under 100 copies and bankrupts the people who conceptualized it, purely because it is so basic and boring. Not even half a star can be given to this trash.

0 star(s) out of 5

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