Summer Schoolgirls

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be an incredibly boring girl amongst listless people in a boring situation involving listening to other girls' problems? Well, have I got the game for you. Listed under the joke nominer of a "Dating Sim", the game Summer Schoolgirls is about a young 18 year old girl going to a college for a week to try out the school and meeting friends and getting to know them. You will discover deep secrets as you experience the equivelant of visiting a college while they blast joining propoganda at you.

You think I'm kidding.

Yes, gentlemen, marching under the same nominer as Kanon and Shuffle! comes a game that features no nudity, no sex, no heterosexual relationships, and certainly no fun. Made somewhere obviously not Japan, it seems to forget what Dating Simulation games are all about: Making loser guys feel like they have girlfriends, and they turn a "Dating Simulation" into something more akin to shoving a red hot poker in your eye and leaving it there while you try to make "Final Fight: Streetwise" not a piece of crap.

When I originally got the game, I obviously wasn't looking for quality entertainment. Really, what I was lookng for is a break from good games. For the last month or so, it seems to me like I have reviewed nothing but good games. Well, that has to stop sometime. World of Warcraft, an upcoming review of Fable, Diablo II, Devil May Cry 3... I just needed a game to take my mind off the outstanding awesome gameplay. I needed something to return me to me, something to make me angry. And, suffice to say, this game did it in such a way, I don't think the word "Schoolgirl" invokes my inner passion anymore like it used to.

Summer Schoolgirls is basically a fanmade project, which means you can and will experience the following things:
- Shoddy and/or stolen artwork.
- Very poorly designed coding featuring useless abilities and lacking key elements.
- A shallow story featuring cookie cutter characters.
- Generally, a boring time.

Now, when I say fanmade, I don't mean this game is based off any particular anime. That's because if any Anime, Manga, or video game in the world was like the artwork and general visual style in this game, it would never see the light of day in any market. To put it bluntly, this game sucks. Let me now delve into the actual game and stop crying:



Say hello to your character, some green haired girl looking suspiciously emo. I would be depressed too if a whole week of my life was at a college wasting my time with people I barely knew. But, regardless, she seems to survive enough to be strangely happy through the rest of the game.

Then the game finally gets to brass tacks and lets you create your character by answering a set of questions and coming up with a name. That's fine, but asking me so blatantly feels somewhat stupid. "Do you like it cold in your room or hot?". That's the kinda stupid stuff only an All-Girl's college would ask, which makes me pretty glad I'm a guy. It's obvious what the choices are, generally gearing you toward one of two character styles:
-Brooding, quiet, and smart, or
-Loud, obnoxious and energetic.




And obviously, you'll get to know the quiet girls more if you are quiet yourself, et al. I could read so far into it I almost got in robes, put rings on my fingers, and started selling palm readings.

The characters in the game are lame in almost every aspect. Obviously made to fit in the above two choices I mentioned, you either meet loud friendly people who generally piss me off, fake or not, and then you meet quiet people who seem demure and "Cute". Apparently, there is no other such personality in this world. In this world, you can get a degree in Psychology easily: Just remember the rule- if her first word is "Umm", she's quiet, if her first word is "Hey!!!!", she's loud. Easiest degree ever, almost beating becoming a Liberal Arts major.




Whoever did the art for this game even makes my coloring of Mike's awesome work in the Gametrash Christmas Flash look good. All of the characters look a suspicious form of intoxicated, and seem to mirror popular girl characters from miscellaneous sources (Like how I'm convinced the above girl, "Jen-jen", is a blatant ripoff of Yuna from Final Fantasy X, except sluttier). The big thing, though, was their eyes. Either they were huge, small, offset, warped, one was like slightly smaller or outright closed, and sometimes, they were all too shiny. This freaked me out, and I still have nightmares of the depth of their eyes. How does one get such huge eyeballs and such small bodies, genetic manipulation?

And then it launches you off into the game. Ever found yourself watching the Lifetime network? Then this game is for you. Otherwise, stay the hell away. It took me about 15 minutes to find out where I had to go, purely because the "You did something" text was so insignificant I just blasted through it ignoring it. Eventually, I finally found my way around to different places and experiences, which seemed notably short, but whatever. You will make choices on occasion, such as (In the Cafeteria), "Eat Potatoes" or "Eat Turkey".

But, let's not forget this game does a good job of, in the opening announcements, reminding us all of the dangers of roofies in an all-girls school:


(PS: For those of you thinking this game might have such a part in which you have to worry, do note that I didn't see a male college student in the game. The only male I saw was a teacher, who looked like Hatori from Fruits Basket, who is a fruitcake). So, no purposely drinking laced Jagermeister and getting that Hentai scene- doesn't happen.



So, if you look closely at the pictures, my name was "OH GOD KILL ME". And yes, that was my thought through this entire game. It's absolute crap. It's nice to see someone who actually speaks english do a Dating Simulation that's not just for the porn, but regardless, this was aboslutely the worst text-based game I've ever played, even beating out a collection of old DOS wannabe "Sex Fiction" games I found one time and promptly deleted. There is no better candidate for our worst rating than this game, and it's really quite sad. Maybe I would have liked it more if there was nudity?

Nah, because I'd be afraid their nipples would look like their eyes.

0 star(s) out of 5

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