ET

WARNING: If you're expecting a lot of images and little text, turn back now. Not enough people liked this game to take screenshots, and to hell with downloading.




Well, I can't say that I liked playing this game. Basically, there are two reasons. The first of which, I didn’t play this game; I was in fact watching. I turned down the chance to play, and today, I feel that I am a better man because of it. The second is that by saying that I liked the game, I would be the only one in the world with the opinion that the game was even slightly bearable. And even if I had played E.T., it was most likely that it was the most aggravating “entertainment” I had ever seen in my life, and would not have spent more than half a minute on this abortion of a game.
Aggravating how? Sure, the game came out for perhaps the most simplistic console ever, and the game was, in fact, easy. Oh wait, except for the fact that it is horribly bugged and you would fall in a f***ing hole every few seconds. You only have a certain amount of energy and flying takes up enough to make the game not even worth playing for more than a couple minutes. I never knew that northern California was so porous. And apparently, California is crawling with government agents who are impervious to falling into these holes.

The game E.T. was released for the Atari 2600 in 1982 after a couple weeks of work on it without anyone beta testing if it was stable, and of course was a giant flop. Pompous morons in Japan, believing that their skills were flawless and there was nothing wrong with the game, released ET with high hopes of becoming famous, but the thousands of people who would return the newly-purchased game, shortly after, would show them that they are godd*** retards. The game was made in surplus and there was no way in hell that all of the games could be sold. So, manufacturing companies did what good manufacturing companies do and smashed, cemented, and buried the excess in the desert.

The basic synopsis of the game is this: you play as E.T. and try to get to call home before the big bad United States government comes to beat the living s*** out of you, but don’t you worry, you’ve got the holes to do it for them. And just to make you go absolutely insane, you can’t see the holes, but after the first maybe 10 times after falling into a hole on the first level, you get exactly how the rest of the game is going to be. On top of that, government agents follow E.T. around and are trying to capture E.T. What’re you going to do, you’re an alien after all. To actually win the game, you have to collect three phone pieces (because we all know that phones come in three pieces). Reese’s pieces, this time a cameo by poorly drawn pixilated blocks, also come into play as E.T.’s “health.”

So, if you were considering buying E.T., I’m here to tell you that banging your head against the wall all night long gives you the same pleasure as playing this game, except that it won’t cost you anything. Anything amount you pay for this game is an undefined amount too much, you can’t divide by zero. It’s just a waste of time and would be a poorly spent eighty-eight cents.

Overall, this game isn’t deserving of a mushroom. I’d give it a billion-mushroom I-feel-like-killing-myself-now rating. Alas, I cannot. I love the Atari 2600, but honestly, anyone with enough patience to beat this game (and I am now assuming that it is possible) must a saint.

0 star(s) out of 5

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