Dink Smallwood

Have you ever wondered what would happen if someone took the essential gameplay of Zelda 3, mixed in off-color humor, and rounded it all off in a Isometric 3D package? You have Dink Smallwood, a parody of the Legend of Zelda series as much as it is a parody of basically everything else. Made by RTSoft way back in 1998, this game has been around for a looong time, which means that probably a lot of readers have played it before, myself included.

Dink Smallwood starts out somewhat strangely: You go feed the stupid pigs. Long story short, your mother dies in a fire, and you are set off on your own. While this game reminisces the Zelda series a lot by using a Zelda system, the game seems to not have the Zelda flair of "Getting the Big Sword first". In fact, you don't get a sword till a good bit later in the game. What do you have? A fist, baby! And you can hit ANYTHING with that fist, from your enemies to your neighbor. I'm not kidding.



One of the first thing's you'll notice in this game is the humor, and how good it is. RTSoft did a good job of making a decent game engine, but making it freaking hilarious as it is. Options like "Tell Gramma where she can shove Quackers", among other things, make the dialogue on par with fully-developed games like Monkey Island or Grim Fandango. Only, this time around, it's a little bit more fun. Many characters (Might I say, MOST characters) can be beaten to death. Don't like that chatty bitch in front of the gate? Kill her. Seriously. It's so violent and unwarranted, it's hilarious. Of course, she's screaming, blood's flying all over the place, and when you're done, you just end it with "Guess she won't be annoying anyone anymore".

Genius. It's so wrong and off color, I found myself cracking up at it. No-one would honestly think to stick a "Goody-two-shoes" game like Zelda and mix it up with something that's so offensive it makes you crack up. Other violent touches pop out to you, such as the ability to punch duck's heads off, the ability to beat up random travellers, the ability to burn down almost every tree in sight, and the ability to "Hit on the barwench to show your manliness to the other men". I'm not kidding.

Actually, the game engine itself is not that bad, though nowadays it's pretty dilapadated. Arrow keys to move, CTRL to attack, SPACE to talk/select, and SHIFT to use magic. Not that complex. It really doesnt have to be. Battles are even simpler than Zelda, comprising of a simple hit-it-and-go mentality, which isn't such a bad thing. Naturally, this means most enemies that aren't fast or overpowered will be fodder for even a level one player, but you have to remember that this game really is about humor rather than gameplay.



The graphics and sound don't have much going for them, but you have to remember it was made in 1998. The graphics, all isometric, remind me somewhat of old isometric RPGs with live action. The hit detection kind of sucks because of this, but one can't complain too much. The music is just MIDI/WAV-ish classical music- not bad stuff, but nothing phenomenal. Again, this is a common problem with freeware games, primarily because graphics and music take time, so developers like to take shortcuts.

The game is pretty large, taking about a good 5 hours to beat totally- not bad, considering it's free-as-in-beer. As well, the game features DinkFRONTEND and DinkEDIT, two programs that not only allow you to edit the existing games, but play other mods for Dink. Meaning? The game is comparably huge. If you get bored of the original game, there's not only a sequel, but a handful of other DinkMods to play if you get bored. While it doesnt have the Mod base of, say, Half-Life, it has a very decent mod library. Enough to get your Dink on.

Overall, Dink Smallwood is one of those games that is only a tiny blip on the radar to the gaming community, but it really deserved to be more. Dink Smallwood is a hilarious game with a lot going for it, and definately something that should be played by any gamer who can handle it. Definately not a kids game, as I've pretty much proved before with the violence, but then again, I played it when I was 12 or so and didn't feel the evil seeping to my head. Funny, clever, somewhat long, moddable... definately something that should be in a gamer's virtual library.

4 star(s) out of 5

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