Saints of Virtue

Hey guys! What happens when you mix the all time famous Doom engine with HARDCORE Christianity? You get Saints of Virtue, a game by Shine studios. To prevent you from playing those evil, evil games like Doom and Quake and stuff, Shine Studios has made the "Best Selling Christian Computer game Ever!"



Okay, my Mom bought this for me when I was like... 11? I don't know. Anyway, I found it in the basement right under "Math Blaster", so I figured it wouldnt hurt if I went and played it. Hell, I doubted it'd run on my computer.

So I booted this puppy up. First off, let me explain the "Plot". You are some kid who becomes some sort of bucketheaded soldier with a shooting sword who fights evil.

Confused yet? I am. In any case, I always skip the stupid cutscene (Note: There's only one, at the beginning), and just get to the gameplay.



Notice how there is a distinct lack above of a bigger picture? Its because no-one on earth has a bigger picture. Even Shine Studio's website has thumbnail-sized pictures. I can't even take pics of the d*** game because it runs on some bastardized engine that my laptop won't printscreen. So just accept the following things:

1. You have a sword instead of a gun.
2. Your sword sucks because it can't stab.
3. It shoots holy crap that is about as useful as giving the enemies a big bear hug.



Next off, we have the ENEMIES, such as:
- Worldliness
- Gluttony
- Anger

and the like. Pick up the main theme? Good. Lets move on.

The game itself, being the Doom Engine, has no mouse support worth a d***. Moving with the mouse allows whoever the hell you are to turn around at an amazing one-pixel-per-second. Of course, this matches the gameplay, which moves too fast (Even faster than Counterstrike!), so it just makes the game even more unbalanced.

Also, a very annoying factor: Apparently, whoever the hell (I'll refer to him as Dips*** from now on) can't hold his pussy sword still. When you walk, not only does your whole screen shale, but the sword bobs back and forth. Not to mention the fact that if Dips*** has to aim up or down, he does it at mach speed, allowing "Fine Aiming" to be a joke in this game.



Overall, the only saving grace of this game, and why it didnt get the mushroom, is that I kinda-sorta enjoyed it. I mean, if you get past the essential brainwashing-ness of this game, and the crappy engine, exploration of this game is kinda fun. Its a huge game, and remembering the countless hours I spent playing this game as a youngun thinking "Damn, I wish I had Doom instead" is a good reminder.

For the rest of you who don't like playing games that, to quote Mike when I showed him this on my laptop, "Makes you want to puke", then go pick this game up from someone's Garage sale (Don't pay more than $2 for it). Otherwise, go play something else.

1 star(s) out of 5

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