The Gamer's guide to getting a Girlfriend

STEP 4: SHOW HER ALL THE IMPRESSIVE SHIT YOU CAN('T) DO

When showing off what you can do, it's important to know what you can't do. Being a gamer, this obviously has to do with physical limitations. You are not able to run a triathlon, nor are you able to lift over 10 pounds. Therefore, it's important for you to find things you CAN do, and then make a huge deal out of them.

Now, a footnote- Girls, unfortunately, do not consider the ability to name every single location of the name Cid in the Final Fantasy games a good ability. That being said, just about everything to do with video games kinda is useless with women. You might as well not even name it. If girls ask what you do in all of that free time you have, just lie and say you watch MSNBC stocks.

So, that leads us to what you can do. The ancient art of mating is a skill I don't have, so it's time to look up what animals do and pretend I do have an idea of what's going.

Give me a second.

Well, Mr. Miyagi always called his pupils Grasshopper, so I guess listening to grasshoppers couldn't be such a bad idea in the long run:

Why are grasshoppers so noisy? It's because they're singing to woo their partners. They have as many as 400 distinct songs, which they sing during their courtship and mating cycles. Some males have a different song for each distinct mating period - for example, there may be a flirting song, then a mating song.

So basically, get out there and bust a groove. Sing about love or something, I don't know. If you're completely lost, just call up for a 30 minute drum solo while you repeatedly hump her leg or something.

Well, that's not the greatest idea, because I have never, in my years and years as a gamer, met a gamer with a nice voice. So.... what about spiders?

When a male lynx spider feels the urge, he will capture his beauty in his web and wrap her in silk. Offering her this elegant meal (the silken web) is his way of wooing. When the mood is right, the female, distracted by her feast, will allow her suitor to mount her and begin mating. Oblivious, she ignores him and enjoys her supper.

So basically, what we learn here is to feed her and rape her or something.

You know what? Let's move on. One more example. Maybe Hippopotamus do better at this kinda thing?

Hippos have their own form of aromatherapy. Hippos attract mates by marking territory, urinating and defecating at the same time. Then, an enamored hippo will twirl its tail like a propeller to spread this delicious slop in every direction. This attracts lovers, and a pair will begin foreplay, which consists of playing by splashing around in the water before settling down to business.

I give up.

STEP 5: PROFIT

So now you hopefully have a woman or something. Chances are, if you completely ignored everything in Step 4 and still got a woman, you are right now pimping out while she sits in your lap and you play World of Warcraft or something. Totally awesome. Other than that, you can thank the Internet for being a huge provider of what's kept the Gaming industry quiescent for the last 5 years or so: Pornography.

Page 1    Page 2    Page 3