The Gamer's guide to getting a Girlfriend

STEP 2: GO SOMEWHERE COOL

Let me quickly define "Cool" as not the Gamestop, Burger King, or anywhere else like that. You're a gamer, not a playboy. Playboys can go anywhere and pick up women. You cannot. You need a place where women are easily available, and the local EBGames is not the place to do that. When the last intelligent conversation I heard at an EBGames was:

Staff member 1: So.. are there like any good RPGs for the PSP?
Staff member 2: No.
Staff member 1: Yeah....

Girls will naturally flock away from that, because naturally they are repelled away from anything dealing with portable carpet. Actually, just stay away from your old hangouts. Arcades? Don't go there. The local McDonald's? Unless you want girls with permanent acne from the result of a freak potato fryer accident, no. You need somewhere that smells like sex, drugs, and generally slutty women. So where's a guy to go?


The local Arts and Crafts store. Yes. See, you're a desperate loser, and you need to flock toward other desperate people. And at this point, no-one in your age group, no matter how slutty, is going to get to you. So it's time to search for people who spend their whole lives making carefully constructed recreations of Hogwarts with Styrofoam. It's time to go for old Arts and Crafts ladies.

Of course, there are many benefits to these women:

They smell like old, which can be pretty hot.
They know how to cook. You don't.
Mom ever tell you that you need a responsible girl? Here's your cue.
They can turn your TV stand into one hell of an awesome art decoration.

But, if you're not interested in that, you could always go for girls your own age, which would be significantly harder. Remember, these girls have been trained to be specifically bitchy, mean, and put you down at every circumstance. They have this "Feminism" stuff in their heads, and unless you intoxicate them, drug them, or confuse them, you're going to have a hard time convincing them otherwise. So, if you DO decide to go to these women, you're gonna have to go to a club.

A club is like a chatroom, being as it's literally a room where people chat, but like a lot of Yahoo chatrooms, people also solicit sex. This is of advantage to you, because not only is this where you find women, this is your only chance to get laid. These women are smarter than you and better than you, but all things considered, you have one advantage over them: This guide.

So, you're in the club, dressed in your emo/rap attire. It's time to pick a target.

STEP 3: FIND A TARGET

While chilling at a club (Or, at an Arts and Crafts store), you need to be on the constant lookout for one thing- slutty girls. Slutty girls were created by whatever God you believe in for one thing: to provide easy love to losers like you, sometimes for a price negotiable behind a curtain. Either way, you need to carefully pick out your target.

Be wary in this circumstance. Everything is working against you to try to take you out and make life a living hell. If you were to, say, pick a chatty lesbian feminist, emo or not, you would end the day in your bathroom crying. It's an unwritten rule.

Now, if you were to pick the girl that was definitely the club whore, no matter how fat, stupid, or lazy you are, you would end the day with her in her bed, or vice versa. This is obviously the preferred choice, so the idea is to learn to spot them out. Obviously, if they wore a big sign "DUMPSTER SLUT", it would be very easy. However, as it stands, they currently do not do that due to union standards. So, for the time being, this is how to find your perfect woman (For the night):


Smells like sex, drugs, sweat, or all of the above.
Wears really loose clothes to cool her body off, much like a heavily taxed processor, except... okay, you get the joke.
Has a ton of jewelry on, this is mainly because she spends all her money, which leads to...
Has a lack of money. This is where you come in.

It's supply in demand. She has a lack of money, some sort of horrible past that leads her to sexual deviation. You're a lonely geek who's idea of a good time is re-playing the original Megaman games to see how fast you can complete them. It's a match made in hell.\

So, you have your woman all lined up, you have her in your cross hairs and you're about to pull the trigger. But, it's time to woo her. Because yes, unless she is literally a prostitute (And we're going on the assumption that you're in a club and not on a street corner), you will need to show her mad skills. It's like a clanmatch, except infinitely less fun, but with a better payoff.

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