The Gamer's guide to getting a Girlfriend

The Gamer's Guide to Girls

So, you're a gamer. And, as statistics and chances may have it, you are most likely a male. Which, the combination as such leads all conclusions to mean one thing: You don't have a girlfriend. Face it- that picture of Katsumi you have on your computer isn't a REAL girlfriend. You've been alone for as long as you've been alive, and it's time for good old Gametrash to change that. So, I'm going to give you 5 steps to getting a girlfriend. Don't worry, don't thank me, it's my job as a gaming journalist (AKA the god of women, or the lack thereof).

STEP 1: PIMP YOURSELF OUT

Yep, it's time to ditch the gamer threads. As an unwritten rule, gamers are long haired, t-shirt wearing, lazy heathens who's idea of "Dressing up" is putting on a Hawaiian shirt. That needs to change, because obviously that style went out with New Coke. Let's put it this way: If you can look down and see some sort of logo, like a Nintendo symbol (And it brings you some sort of geeky pride to wear it), then you are in need of a makeover.

So, first, amass all of your gold. This can be found in pots, under beds, given to you by your mom once you go downstairs, or generally found in bushes outside your house. So, get yourself some sort of stick or something and go poking. Remember- if it's shiny, it can be sold to the local merchant monopoly for loot. You'll need a lot of loot, but don't worry- if anything else fails, go out where it looks dark and scary (Like grass or a forest) and wait until you see obviously evil things. Chances are, they are going to carry huge amounts of gold, though it would be impossible for them to ever spend it.

Now, find yourself a merchant. Nowadays, instead of the all encompassing merchant with the l33t goods (Or, alternately, pressing the "B" key), there are a variety of places to buy from. It's time to look for some cool threads- so first, it's time to determine what style you're going to go for. Check out this simple diagram:





If you're skinny, it's obvious that girls will expect you to show it off. This might be gayer than watching Sex and the City and sipping a fruit cocktail while talking to your life-partner Steve, but it gets the job done. You need to look feminine, wimpy, brooding, and basically like you cry every time someone touches you. A good idea is to go rent every single chick flick from the local video store and watch them until your penis goes from outie to innie. Then, you truly become emo.

For those of you that are fat, AKA 75% of the gamer population, you will need to spend a bit more time on your appearance. Obviously, running around in super tight shirts and pants that hug your genitalia like Michael Jackson aren't the clothes to wear. So, you'll need something a bit more... you. Then comes the easily exploitable Rap genre. Just go out and buy big clothes. Fat? Skinny? No-one knows! Your clothes are so baggy you could carry three Mexican children over the border. By the time you've married your prospect, she won't even know what you look like. A definite advantage for you. Fatass.

When buying clothing, no matter what stereotype you become, remember women are inherently attracted to shiny things. This is where stuff from the bushes comes in. Wear lots and lots of jewelry, adornment, and make sure everyone within a 5 mile radius knows you have money. Wear man-perfume ("Cologne"). Shave that neck beard for that genuine "I wipe my rear with $5" look. If you're going really hardcore, ask a bank if you can roll around naked in money to get that patented money smell. By the time you're done, no telemarketed pheromone juice could work better.

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