Top 10 Games Girlfriend shouldn't see

Sometimes, when we're playing video games, something comes up that you wouldnt want dear old mom to see you playing. For example, Final Fantasy X-2, which I play only under the cover of nightfall when people won't realize I'm playing a Victoria's Secret RPG. Or, when I'm playing a really violent game, such as Grand Theft Auto, I wouldn't fancy ANYONE finding out I have a strange love for causing pain to mass amounts of citizens and hookers.

So, here's a list of the top 10 games that Girlfriend shouldn't see. Of course, you could replace "Girlfriend" with "Mommy", "Father", "Sister", "Brother", "Roommate", you get the picture: You're still freaking embarassed.

10. Final Fantasy X-2



Ahh, Final Fantasy X-2. Heralded by many (all) as the most fanservicy Final Fantasy game ever, Final Fantasy X-2 has you put in the shoes of Yuna, Rikku and Paine, three girls who go on a quest to save Yuna's boyfriend, Tidus. A spinoff of FFX, this game features battles where you change clothes mid-battle, plenty of dance sequences, skimpy outfits, and general implied lesbian-ness. Like I said above, this game was only played by me in the cover of darkness, because there's no way in hell I'll be caught changing Yuna into the skimpy outfits, no matter what kind of "Boost" I get.

(I'm starting a count here. This is the first Japanese game on the list.)

9. a Harry Potter game



This really isn't sexual so much as it is just embarassing. If it's not embarassing enough to have to go and buy the books in a store filled with little 12 year olds with witch hats on (That's what Amazon.com is for, folks), the games are even worse. Imagine your girlfriend walking up behind you and you're leading this little 12 year old wizard with a bad haircut and Elton John-esque glasses through Hogwarts, school of witchcraft and faggotry. Of course, she walks up behind you as you're having a blimey good time with your blokes, and she's all ninny about your gameplaying time. Damn.

(An American game, but not sexual.)

8. eGirl



eGirl is probably the closest equivelant of your mom walking in while you're having a teaparty with a blow-up sex doll. Yes, to answer the first question, eGirl features nudity. Of course, like any game where there's nudity with a lifelike girl, you just screw her regardless of how she feels about it. The AI is decent and the graphics are somewhat impressive, but you've got to remember that you're play-screwing a play-woman on your computer. Yeah, that's really manly.

(American. That's two.)

7. V-Girl



Not to be confused with eGirl, this is V-Girl, a Java-sponsored appication you can download to your Cell Phone where you have a virtual girlfriend. Unlike eGirl, there is no nudity, and also unlike games like eGirl, she has a personality and isn't a total whore. This might be one of the stupider things you could ever have on your cell phone.

No, it IS the stupidest thing to have on your cell phone.

Why? Think of it this way. You're on a date with a real life girl, with real skin and all that good stuff you've never touched before. All of a sudden, your phone vibrates: your V-Girl is wanting you to go to the virtual movies with her. DILEMMA! What do you do?

Duh, you take that Cell Phone and punt it as far from her sight as possible. If you're going to have a virtual girlfriend, at least be smart enough to not carry her around with you. God.

(Japanese. That's Two.)

6. The Singles: Flirt up your Life



Other than people laughing at you because this game SUCKS, this game is also pretty embarassing on the scale. Why? Because it's like the Sims, except remove all parts of the Sims where you did anything but screw. You think I'm kidding. In The Singles, the whole point of the game seems to be the hook-up, and even that's boring. Imagine a game where you play the TV show Big Brother, with the same amount of suck, if that's possible.

(European.)

5. Dance Dance Revolution



Are you fat? Let's do a check. Stand up. Strip nude. Look down. Can you see your p****? No? You're fat. If you can't see your p****, you are officially from now on not allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution, no matter if you write it off as being exercise or what. DDR is a super-popular game that even I enjoy where you dance around on a little arrow pad trying to rack up points for staying in-key, on-time, and in-tempo. Sounds fun, doesnt it?

However, the majority of people, especially gamers, suffer from one little problem: they can't dance, or even move. Because of this, they end up doing super easy Butterfly constantly, showing off dips*** skills in replacement for the ability to actually play the game. At the end of the day, you're sitting there sweating over a game with such songs as "In the Navy". Unless you have a really cool Girlfriend, do not let her see you playing this game.

(Japanese. That's three.)

4. Any Leisure Suit Larry game



Personally, I love the Leisure Suit Larry series. Leisure Suit Larry started off as a small graphically-s***ty game where you played Larry, a social reject, in order to get laid. As you can tell, this game has caused a lot of controversy, but it's still freaking hilarious. Such comments as when you tell Larry to "Jack Off" and the system responds "But Larry, you're trying NOT to do that!" are classic.

And, to make it even better, the older versions of these games are FREE as in BEER. The developer was mega-cool enough to put the old software under the Freeware/Abandonware tag, which allows us blessed download freaks to get it instantaneously.

As a note, I saw the developer on TV talking about sex in videogames. I now have a respect for him, his company, and anything he touches. Man, you rock.

(American. That's Three.)

3. Battle Raper 2



WELL, I WONDER IF THIS GAME IS INNAPROPRIATE, LOOKING AT THE TITLE. Yes, in Battle Raper 2, you battle. And rape. At the same time. As wierd as it sounds, it takes the idea of many fighting games such as Dead or Alive, the grappling ideas of wrestling games, and just basically makes it where you tear off clothing in battle.

And I'm not kidding, you strip them nude.

I would like to point out that the developer, illusion soft, is basically a poster child for games you don't want anyone to see you playing. EVERY SINGLE GAME THEY'VE MADE, from this, a game later in this list, Biko 3, and many more, is 100% not for Mommy. If there is any easy way to describe them, it's this: illusion soft is the Japanese Rockstar.

(Japanese. That's Four.)

2. Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball



Oh lordy lordy lord. Apparently, the Dead or Alive crew, Team Ninja, found out that fighting fans like the girls in fighting games! And they'd be willing to see them cheapened sexually for their entertainment! It's no secret that the whole of the internet is crawling with Katsumi porn, so Team Ninja just took it that little bit farther and made a game that catered to such perverts.

Don't get me wrong, though. Team Ninja makes good games, and this game is no different. While the game is all about the bikinis, DOA:XBV features a very interesting Volleyball system, and also includes role-playing elements in the sense of "Earning" different swimsuits. Of course, crackers/hackers have already discovered unlimited possibilities through the game in order of skinning, and there USED to be nudeskins for the thing, before Team Ninja went apes*** on them. (PS: There's already a nude trick in the game, supposively. I don't know the details of it, but you could probably find it on GameFaqs. Not that you'd want to.)

(Japanese game. Five.)

1. Artificial Girl 2 by Illusion Soft



Innapropriateness, say hello to your new God. Artificial Girl 2 is one of the most known games in the anime import biz, mainly because it's all over the internet, from Hongfire to individual BT links. Partially, this is because this is a very big, detailed game for 100% free, due to the fact it is not copywrited over in the US. The other part is that this game is as close as many Anime Torrenters will get to a real girlfriend.

Artificial Girl 2 has no story, no cutscenes, no intro. You create a girl. Girl appears on beach. You appear on beach. Have fun. The game features a handful of different levels, from the beach to a spaceship, and lets you take this girl around, change her clothes, have her fix you food, and screw her brains out of her nose. The latter more than anything.

The game actually is very decent looking, which is suprising to see from a porn game developer. As well, the game is SUPPOSIVELY very intricate in the sex scenes and the like, but one has to wonder what kind of person would spend their time experimenting on all the ways they can screw the girl.

I will admit, I had this game on my computer, except I was waaay too lazy to implement any of the "American Hacks" such as the instant sex hack, etc.- I made her to crunches by dragging her back and forth. This is probably calling my sexuality into question, but I enjoyed it a lot more than some virtual girlscrewing. Then, I pushed her limit by completely ignoring her, and seeing how pissed she could get.

I'm a pig.




In any case, writing this was somewhat fun. For one, I know every single game on here, with the exception of the ones at the top area, will probably be games that you as the reader will never be "Allowed" to play, with good reason. You should take all that energy and convert it to good things, like finding a real girlfriend, fixing Social Security, or buying a Gametrash T-Shirt.

As you noticed, Japan hit the top of the list. As a footnote, Japan has problems with sexual games like America has problems with violent games.

As well, as a footnote, I just realized that the number of times I said nude, sex, and porn will probably skyrocket the number of hits to GT by horny old men. HAY GUYS!